Humans are social beings, and there is no human activity that does not depend on a relationship. No matter where one lives, from an early age until death one is surrounded by people and significant others, and his/her life is enriched by social interactions and human connections. Relationships are influencing one’s satisfaction in life and well-being and even more, they are a key factor for peace and happiness in modern society. Relationships can be enhanced or hindered by language forms and communication. Unfortunately, many times our communication style impedes a true connection and the efforts to relate to one another with compassion are obstructed by a language that leads to defence, guilt, attack or humiliation. Blaming, judging, criticising, and comparing, are the major obstacles to healthy and empathic communication. Nevertheless, NVC gives us the tools to learn how to express ourselves and hear others. We all have built communication patterns, and often when we speak we are not fully aware of what we really want to say or how our words can impact the other, through NVC we learn to give conscious responses based on what we are perceiving, feeling and wanting. NVC has two main parts:

1. Expressing ourselves honestly
2. Receiving with empathy what the other person is saying

Thus, it is both about learning to express myself and learning to listen and receive with empathy what the other person is telling me. As Rosenberg says: “we are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity, while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic attention”

NVC is a powerful tool for different reasons. Firstly, using it in our interactions – with ourselves, others or even in a group – helps us to stay grounded in our natural state of compassion. Therefore, it can be used from a personal level for example intimate relationship, to a professional level. Secondly, it does not require that the other person knows the NVC principles. If we continue to apply the principles, slowly the other person will eventually be able to join us in the process and mutual compassion will be possible.

Expressing ourselves honestly

“NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart” (Rosenberg, M. 2015), using its principles we can connect with each other in a healthier and nourishing way, allowing for our compassion to be manifested. In expressing ourselves and listening to others we focus on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives.

1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests

The Indian philosopher J. Krishnamurti said that observing without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. We tend to mix observation with evaluation or judgment. Observing means simply noticing what we are seeing, hearing, and touching that is affecting our sense of well-being without making any kind of evaluation or labelling it. For example: I am seeing socks on the floor (an observation) or The room is messy because of the socks on the floor (an evaluation). If we make an evaluation instead of an observation, the others won’t really hear what we are saying, they will most likely hear criticism and resist our message, maybe even become defensive.
In his book Non-violent Communication, Rosenberg gives us a table that helps us make the distinction between observation and evaluation. See the figure below for more details.

! Important: Distinguish observation from evaluation!

Image from Rosenberg, M. (2015) Non-violent Communication, chapter 3.

Building self-awareness is a key component for an accurate expression of our feelings. First of all, I have to be able to identify what I am feeling in order to be able to express it out loud in a clear and compassionate way. Thus, meditation, self-reflection, and developing the felt sense are necessary steps. Also, equally helpful is to build a vocabulary of feelings. Many of us have the tendency to say “I feel that…(I am not good enough)..”. Whenever the word feel is followed by that, we are not expressing a feeling, but rather an opinion or a thought.

In the following example: “I feel that you don’t listen to me”, “I feel like you don’t care”. The feeling is not expressed and the listener will most likely hear criticism and become defensive. Thus the message has not reached the listener, and both parties will feel frustrated and misunderstood.

! Important: Distinguish between feelings and thoughts!

It is important to learn to see the behaviours of others as a stimulus, but never the cause of our feelings. No one has power over our emotions, except us, they are subjective reactions based on what we choose to receive from what others say or do, what meaning we give to their words and actions as well as our needs and expectations at that moment. Our emotions are in our hands, and becoming aware of the thoughts behind them can help us understand our reactions but also work with them and choose what we want to express – from our mature conscious self.

In the same way, what the other person is saying or doing is a reflection of their emotions and needs, and not of our behaviour. NVC show that in front of a negative message – we have four options as to how to receive it:

• Blaming ourselves – we can take their comments personally, hearing blame and criticism which will lead to feelings of guilt, shame, or sadness and it will affect our self-esteem. It means we accept their judgement and blame ourselves.
• Blaming the other – leads to anger and defensive behaviour
• Sensing our needs and emotions – we can notice the feelings of hurt that come from our efforts to be recognized, approved, liked etc.
• Sensing others’ needs and emotions – it is not the same as taking responsibility for their emotions but rather trying to hear what they are trying to say, and what are their unexpressed needs and emotions.

Some common language patterns enable us to avoid taking responsibility for our emotions. For example, we tend to say I feel hurt because you didn’t remember my birthday or You make me angry. Using these types of expressions we place the responsibility of our emotions on the other person’s words and actions. Using NVC principles, a more accurate and healthier way of expressing ourselves would be: I feel angry that you didn’t make any plans for my birthday because I need to feel celebrated and see that I am important to you.

Depending on how we express ourselves the other person might be more or less receptive to our message. When people hear criticism they will invest their energy in defending themselves and attacking back. Thus your emotions and needs will not be heard and received. When we focus on ourselves expressing our feelings and needs, rather than pointing at their behaviour, the other will be more receptive to hearing and answering with compassion.
Rosenberg has noted that when people begin speaking of their needs, rather than blaming and criticising each other, it increases the possibility of having both parties’ needs met. One reason is that we share more or less the same needs, we as humans have basic universal needs shared by our humanity:

• Autonomy
• Celebration
• Integrity
• Interdependence
• Play
• Spiritual communion
• Physical nurturance

Another important point made by Marshall Rosenberg (2015): “If we don’t value our needs, others may not either”, other people will treat us the way we allow them to and the way we treat ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care of and value our needs, as well as set the boundaries that are adequate for us. There is no right or wrong, nor general, it is based on the person.

! Important: Connect your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”

After having expressed our emotions and needs in a certain situation, we can continue by making a clear request that would enrich our lives and meet our needs. It is recommended to leave behind ideas such as “but they should know how I feel and what I need”, “I should not have to tell them” etc. Each of us is a unique individual, and even though we share the same universal needs and emotions, we have our own specific way of expressing our emotions or of having our needs met. Therefore, if we want to make sure the other person will better understand us and if we want to avoid disappointment and further frustration, it is our responsibility to say very clearly and as specifically as possible what we want – in the form of a request. It is recommended to use positive action language – say what you want, not what you don’t want. Make a request as concrete as possible, and avoid vague, abstract or ambiguous phrasing. For example: Could you listen to me when I speak to you?

For you “to be listened” might mean that the other person will reply or will ask questions, for others it might mean that the other person is having eye contact and focuses only on the person speaking and so on. In this case, just saying “listen to me” is not specific enough, and maybe the way in which the other person is listening doesn’t meet your understanding of active listening. Therefore making requests in concrete, clear and positive language can show what you really want and increases the possibility of having your needs met.

Of course, daring to say what we really want and need can be frightening, as the other person can say no. And they can, it is part of their freedom. But a question to ask ourselves is “Would I really want another person to do something for me that they do not want to do?”, for many of us the answer would be no. We want others to respond to our request as long as it is in alignment with themselves and as long as they truly want to.
! Important: Distinguish between requests and demands.

The second main part of NVC is focused on how we meet the other person, and how we listen and receive with empathy what is being said or what is not being said. The Chinese philosopher Chuang-Tzu says that empathy requires listening with the whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.”

Empathy asks us to put aside our judgment and criticism and listen with an open heart. It doesn’t require giving advice or reassurance, nor finding solutions or solving their problems. Instead, it means focusing our full attention on the other person, giving them the time and space to express what they need and to feel understood, this is captured by the Buddhist saying: “Don’t just do something, stand there.”

When we learn to listen empathically we can use the NVC principles and only hear what the person is: observing, feeling, needing and requesting. Even when they don’t say clearly what they feel and need, we can learn to hear that and mirror it back to them through questions. For example, the person says: I am unhappy because you never call me. Using NVC, we can notice the needs are not expressed, instead the emotions are a consequence of the behaviour.

Tools: Paraphrasing
Using paraphrasing we can ask for clarification and help the person say what they need: Are you feeling unhappy because you would need me to show you you are important to me by calling more regularly? Or do you want me to call you every day?  It is helpful to express firstly our feelings and needs when we ask for clarification. For example, instead of saying “What did I do that makes you feel this way?” to say “I’m frustrated because I’d like to understand clearly what you are referring to. Would you be willing to tell me what I’ve done that leads you to see me in this way?”

Reflect messages emotionally charged. Listen for emotions and needs – as we develop self-awareness and are more connected to our emotions and needs, it will become easier to identify the emotions and needs of others. We can use our abilities to mirror their emotions and needs even though they are not directly expressed. When we do this, we do it in the form of a question or reflection: It sounds to me like you feel frustrated, and you would like to be treated with respect. We can always share how we feel when we do not know how to show the right support to the other person: I am concerned about you, and I would like to know how to best support you. Could you tell me what I can say or do to help you feel…… As Bessel (2015) says “Emotional intelligence starts with labelling your own feelings and attuning to the emotions of the people around you”.

Funded by the European Union. Views and opinions expressed are however those of the author(s) only and do not necessarily reflect those of the European Union or the ANPCDEFP. Neither the European Union nor the ANPCDEFP can be held responsible for them.