Self-compassion
The word compassion comes from Latin, the term refers to how we’re with (com) suffering (passion). It helps us connect with others in a non-judgmental way, to be with them through their suffering, not trying to save them or solve their problems, but trusting their abilities and resources for doing so. Also, it helps us realise that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience and that there are valuable lessons to learn from these challenging experiences.
6 components of compassion
Compassion is a virtue, a quality that brings us together in a heart-to-heart connection. There are three main elements of compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness (Neff, K. 2023). There is a universality in our human experience, both when it comes to beautiful or difficult moments, and becoming aware of this principle of our shared humanity helps us to develop compassion, to not feel isolated or different, to not feel we are the only ones going through a certain situation, but it is shared, it is lived in different ways or at different times by all humans. This can help us tap into the feeling of belonging and interconnectedness.
Compassion is a valuable resource, turning it towards ourselves can improve the quality of our life, but also can facilitate access to our internal resources. As Neff (2023) states “Self-compassion refers to being supportive toward oneself when experiencing suffering or pain—be it caused by personal mistakes and inadequacies or external life challenges”.
It has 6 components: self-kindness versus self-judgement, common humanity versus isolation, and mindfulness versus over-identification (Neff, K. 2023).
- Self-kindness means putting an end to self-criticism and meeting ourselves with genuine care, for example – stopping for one moment to acknowledge “this (what I am going through) is hard, how can I best take care of myself in these moments? What do I need?”. It is a way of being emotionally available for ourselves.
- The common humanity principle helps us connect with others, rather than feeling isolated. When we do something “wrong”, or struggle, we tend to isolate and feel ashamed, thus separating ourselves more from others and the emotional support that we can get.
- Mindfulness is the approach that helps us get closer to our pain, to become aware of it, from an objective perspective. Mindfulness is a type of balanced awareness that neither avoids nor exaggerates the discomfort of our present-moment experience (Shapiro et al. 2006). We need this awareness to be able to deal with our struggles and go beyond them. Avoiding our emotions and pain, won’t solve the problem, it only postpones it.
We are often harder on ourselves than anyone else, setting unrealistic expectations and forming negative self-perceptions rooted in childhood beliefs. As children, we may have thought we were responsible for everything around us, creating a false narrative that still influences how we see ourselves today. Healing this inner relationship is crucial for building self-confidence and embracing our authentic selves. By using tools like Non-Violent Communication (NVC), we can reframe harsh self-criticism into compassionate, constructive dialogue, allowing us to grow, learn from mistakes, and make choices that serve our well-being instead of fostering guilt or shame.
Practice Self-compassion
SELF-COMPASSION BREAK (Neff, K. 2023)
Bring to mind a situation that is challenging, and allow yourself to feel the stress or suffering brought by that event. Remember the 3 principles of compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
- Mindfulness – acknowledge the difficulty you are in and say to yourself – “This is challenging”, “this hurts”, or “This is a moment of suffering”.
- Common humanity – remember that “Suffering is a part of life”, “other people feel this way”.
- Kindness – ask yourself “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” or say to yourself “May I learn to accept myself as I am”, “May I forgive me”, “May I be patient with myself”.
Use this practice any time you need, throughout the day, or while reflecting or journaling, make it a usual practice, to learn to develop a different narrative and inner dialogue.
TREAT YOURSELF AS YOUR BEST FRIEND
Start by thinking of your closest friend who goes through a difficult situation and feels bad about themselves. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down your thoughts and the tone of voice in which you typically talk to your friend.
Think about times when you struggle and feel bad about yourself. How do you speak to yourself? What type of thoughts and words do you use? What is the tone of voice? Write down your reflections.
Read both texts, do you notice any difference? If yes, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently? What makes you deserve a different treatment than your friend?
Write a new text, imagining that you are your best friend, and you respond to yourself in the same way as to your friend. What changed? How would this approach change the way you feel? What would happen if you treated yourself as if you were your best friend?
The journey to self-discovery and authenticity can bring us face to face with many aspects of ourselves, and maybe we won’t like all of them, but it is necessary to look at them with love and compassion, to become aware of who we are, what we need, what is our purpose and what we want to give to the world we live in. It is crucial as well to learn to motivate ourselves, to be emotionally available, to have patience and be kind, as life is full of uncertainty and unexpected turns, which can be perceived as challenging, but still have a potential to support personal growth.
DICLAIMER
Funded by the European Union. Views and opinions expressed are however those of the author(s) only and do not necessarily reflect those of the European Union or the ANPCDEFP. Neither the European Union nor the ANPCDEFP can be held responsible for them.